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Napisałem coś takiego rok temu:

Post autor: Sorrow » 26 sty 2013, 15:02

Konrad - the Angel Vampire Wizard of Justice Ch0

My name is Konrad and I'm 19. I'm an angel of Justice. As every angel of Justice, I wear powered armour with a set of melee and ranged weapons. This armour is temporarily fused with my body.
Besides being an angel, I'm also a vampire. My powered armour feeds on blood and souls of my enemies. I have black hair and smooth pale skin. My eyes are green and sparkly.
I'm a wizard and I have many spell cards which I can activate and smite the enemies of Justice or perform many other amazing and supernatural feats. I also know secret words that can activate fury mode and make me unstoppable for a short period of time.

I used to be an ordinary teenager. Every day I was bearing the burden of evil and injustice of this world upon my shoulders. I was abandoned, cheated, stolen from. Since I was born, I had to bear this burden. I was suffering for myself and for the others. Eventually, the pain became unbearable - physical in nature and I was no longer able to perform my duties. At school, at work, everything fell apart. There was only pain. Pain of injustice of it all.

But somehow I continued to struggle, not accepting that it was my destiny to be crushed by this burden. Step by step... I went forward. But slower than it was expected. In addition to my health problems I began to suffer from financial problems. As someone cheated me. Stole from me a large sum of money. Eventually, years later, I got it back, but meanwhile, I went in debt to pay my bills. Such a cruel world... And such a small compensation... So many people have suffered like me. Lied to. Cheated. Stolen from. Abandoned.

Still, I managed to enrol to computer graphics school. Performing poorly, my pain making reading the material... difficult, and frequent illnesses leaving me with many hours of absences. But still... I managed to crawl forward, painfully from semester until semester. Bearing my burden of pain of living in the world of injustice.

Until... Until I have learned about something...
About vile alien thieves who stole my justice. A computer graphics teacher in my school would often talk about how we should beware of the copyrightfag cult because it can destroy people financially for "stealing" a photo or a font.
And more. That there were... predators that would... bait people with display unmarked images so that someone ignorant would use on their webpage and they could sue them for 20x the amount of money they would get when making such a picture on commission.
Hearing about it made me angry... First for the senseless cruelty of it - for injustice coming from dis-proportionality of the deed and the punishment or rather loss and compensation. Second for the inequality.
Yes, inequality. While I and the others who had things removed from inventory or were hired to do specific work and not paid got nothing for our suffering and financial problems, these vile aliens, were able to get vengeance and lots of money for minor offences. Additionally, copyrightfags were lobbying for laws where they could punish people basing just on suspicion and without due process.
These vile... little... thieves. If someone "stole" their images, their fonts, then they... stole my justice. After this revelation I have lost my interest in anything but getting my Justice back.
Or rather getting it restored. For they not only stole it but also were seeking to... destroy it.

I was possessed... by... hatred and... hunger for... revenge. This kind of... theft... of justice couldn't be forgiven.
That's when I started having... visions. Visions of a beautiful woman. Naked, pale skinned, ravenhaired with golden eyes. She whispered secret words.
Justice and Equality. Justice... and... Equality.
Yes, these words, when repeated possessed magical power, they made my blood boil.
Justice and Equality. Justice... and... Equality and suddenly... everything was clear.
I wanted to see the copyrightfag suffer.
Justice and Equality. Justice... and... Equality.
I saw visions, beautiful visions. A copyrightfag... kneeling... begging for mercy. But there was no mercy for copyrightfags for they had no mercy themselves.
I saw visions, beautiful visions. A copyrightfag... kneeling... begging for mercy. And a drill entering his forehead. A razor scraping flesh off his face. Molten lead poured into his ear...
So many visions of... such moving beauty.
Justice and Equality. Justice... and... Equality.

Finally when I was lying in bed, contemplating the destruction of the copyrightfag, something changed. A brass gate guarded by two dwarves clad in grotesque plate armour has appeared in place of my window. The guards blew their horns and the gate has opened. The pale beauty from my visions has appeared. My raven... my... Justice.
I knelt before her and she gave me a rune-covered knife. I knew what to do. I slit my wrist and smiled, feeling pain and watching life-blood flowing from my veins. Then a similar rune-covered knife appeared in her hand and she slit her wrist and moved it before my face.
I started sucking it, drinking the divine blood of Justice.

I felt incredible power and purity possessing my body. I was becoming something else... a vampire... no not just a vampire... an angel!
I felt wings, six raven wings forming in my mind. I suddenly knew that I can access a flying form.
At some point I have fainted. I woke up outside, in a park. I was enclosed in an ornate suit of powered armour. Somehow I knew what it is. How its weapons function. I also had a deck of cards.
I saw a vision of my queen.. my goddess.
-Know that you're a wizard, Konrad. - she said. -Each of these cards contains a powerful spell which can be activated by saying its name. You know what I expect you to do.
-Yes, my queen. - I said fervently and her vision disappeared. But with her divine blood coursing in my veins I was never alone again.

Komentarze, plz?
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"Violence solves everything."

Ten gość twierdzi, że za mnie umarł. To miłe, więc dałem go na swój awatar :D .


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Re: Napisałem coś takiego rok temu:

Post autor: vragutinovic » 22 lut 2013, 19:39


Ogólnie rzecz biorąc, masz materiał na dłuższe opowiadanie o Konradzie. W jednym krótkim poście na forum zawarłeś mnóstwo informacji o jego niebanalnym losie, cechach osobowości, wyjątkowym postrzeganiu świata i swojej roli, którą ma w nim odegrać, słowem metamorfoza za metamorfozą - w jednym poście to jest za bardzo upakowane, skondensowane. Spróbuj rozciągnąć jego historię na co najmniej kilkanaście kartek.

Mam jeszcze taką uwagę szczegółową. Mianowicie opisując ewolucję tożsamości Konrada odwołujesz się do kilku archetypów kulturowych (anioła, wampira i czarodzieja), które w moim odbiorze nie mają ze sobą wiele wspólnego. Innymi słowy: anioł, wampir i czarodziej pochodzą z zupełnie innych obszarów kulturowych, z innych sfer ludzkich wyobrażeń. Może lepiej byłoby, gdyby Konrad był po prostu jakimś konglomeratem tych cech (i tu mógłbyś wymyśleć jakąś nazwę dla tego zespołu cech), zamiast być osobno najpierw aniołem, potem nagle czarodziejem, następnie wampiro-aniołem, itd. Wiesz już o co mi chodzi? Pół-żartem mówiąc, to można się spodziewać, że w następnych akapitach Konrad równie dobrze mógłby stać się smokiem (zależy pod czyim byłby wpływem), a potem rusałką ;). Czyli moja uwaga jest taka: skonkretyzuj jego tożsamość, skup się na jego wyjątkowości.

Tyle ode mnie. Starałem się nie krytykancko, ale w miarę konstruktywnie odpowiedzieć na Twoją prośbę o komentarz. Myślę, że mi się udało.